#3

it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted. I just haven’t felt into it, which I was hoping wouldn’t happen this time around with blogging. maybe it’s the fact that I’ve actually started therapy (yay!) and I actually get along with my therapist and I don’t feel judged so I’ve been venting to her and working on things. or maybe its because I’ve been ignoring my feelings on writing when I feel the need by doing something around the house or with izzy. i’m not sure. but here I am.

things are going..well I suppose. my bills are all paid up to date, which is extremely rare. izzy is almost done with preschool, even though he will be going into the same program for another full year since he’s only gotten 2 months of it this school year because we started late. m’s job is stressful but hes thriving. and i’m alive. I guess that’s all I can ask for right now. I will always wish things were better. you know.. more money, better house, better cars..but we’re making everything we have right now work for the best that we can. a girl can always have her dreams. I just wish I could learn to stop comparing my life to my “friends”. m tries as hard as he can to keep reminding me not to do that, but I feel like he doesn’t understand why i’m so hard on myself about things like that.

I need to learn how to focus. I had a million things on my mind that I was going to talk about when I signed in to this today, and I’ve lost it all from my brain. I guess i’ll try again later…

#2

today, M and I went looking at houses. we’ve moved 6 times in the last 4 years, but right now we are in a small house with only 2 bedrooms, and not enough space. my father is willing to help us in any way that he can, but it probably won’t be much. anyway, we found a place that builds houses on either your own land or on a piece of land that they own and you can do a land package type thing. we found one that we are both in love with, but there’s only the small problem of the price of it. jesus. why are houses so expensive..and why in gods name does everything have to go by your credit score. shouldn’t it matter at all that you can pay your bills on time and that’s all that should matter? that’s not how the world works though. credit, I’ve come to the conclusion, is some kind of control conspiracy done by the government. “here’s an idea guys..lets make millions of dollars a year ourselves, and fuck everyone else who does everything in their power to try and build a better life for their families”. fucking scumbags. ugh. I should just get used to the fact that I will never have a nice house. I just want something I can call home. something I can be proud of.

mother’s day is sunday. today in izzy’s class they had a brunch type thing for all the moms. all the kids made their mom cards and little tissue paper flowers. they all had to sing 3 songs. every kid was singing along with the teacher..except mine. he’s shy and introverted just like his mother. but this is the first mother’s day that I feel special. I have never gotten anything from izzy on mother’s day before, M has never done anything with him to make me feel special. M will usually buy me something small or just say happy mother’s day to me, but I always had this dream and vision of him doing some little craft with izzy so he could give it to me on the morning of mothers day. but I’ve never seen it. there are times when I get upset at M for not doing those kinds of things with izzy, especially for special holidays, because I always do some kind of craft with him to give to his daddy on fathers day or his birthday. but then I always have to remind myself that that’s not the kind of guy M is, and I’ve always known that. we’ve been together for 14 years now. I haven’t been able to change him in those 14 years, theres no chance i’m going to be able to change him now.

I feel like I should make a post about what this blog is really supposed to be about… but then again I feel like I shouldn’t feel pressured into doing it right away..it should just be able to come naturally. I don’t know.. we will see I guess. maybe next time I post. i’ll force myself. I’ve just been kind of trying to post things as I would the same way I would talk to someone about my day, but that seems kind of fake. gah. I need to go for now. this is turning into something that isn’t making any sense to me and that’s aggravating.

i’ll try again later.

hello, world.

well, hello again blogging world. this is probably the 10th time (no exaggeration) that I’ve started a blog. when I was in my early 20’s I was steadily blogging at least a few times a week but eventually lost interest in it. just like everything else I’ve always loved doing. I guess I should let you all in on who I am and why I felt the need to do this at this point in time. this is always the hard part for me. I hate explaining myself and i’m not very good at describing who I am. i’ll start with the basics. my name is Nicole. i’m 30ish and I live in upstate new York with my husband, who I will call M and 4 year old son, who I will call izzy.

I’ve decided to try and start blogging again as an outlet, to get away from the reality of my life and maybe escape things a bit. I struggle with anxiety, depression, ptsd, anger, and just to top it off…an endocrine disorder called pcos (polycystic ovary syndrome). add all that together, every day stress of family and finances and you can imagine the battle I face when I wake up every morning…assuming I wake up from sleeping the night before. which is rare. so I guess you can add not sleeping to the list of my problems. i’m sure if I was able to get some sleep at night, the way I handle things would improve. but I guess that’s another story for another time.

i’m hoping that I can keep up with this and find it rewarding in some way. one of the reasons I stopped writing before was because I felt like nobody ever cared enough to read anything. or maybe it wasn’t that they didn’t care..maybe they just didn’t know what to say or how to react. i’m not sure. but either way.. i’m hoping this helps me, and maybe even some random person who comes across this.

right now though, it’s time for me to pick izzy up from school. until next time, people.